Breathe baby, breathe

School, or more specifically, school work is not just driving me up the wall, it has me propelling right through the roof. This week was. Awful. I've never felt so...empty and drained. And mind you, it's not like I actually did anything substantial. Wasted week.

Today, I was so listless, lethargic and appetite-less. It's not that I don't have the energy- it was buzzing from my fingertips- but it was my head being funny. My head felt empty and dazed, like someone fogged it up and my thoughts are just up there aimlessly swimming around, occasionally bumping into each other, unable to focus. Feeling this dead is rather scary. Bear hug me if you see me please :/

Something's gonna give soon and I mean really soon, I can practically feel it. Tomorrow feels ominous and I feel pretty bad about not being able to go for Ichess.

While on the bus today, I pondered over how pathetic my life is. Hell yes. A friend posed a question today, "What do you think is the greatest achievement in your life?" And that really got me stumped. I haven't answered it. I can't answer it. I don't think I have a proper reply because if I think about all that I've done the past 17 years, I can't find any moment I can truly say that I'm proud of, where I can truly say, with full confidence I DID THIS ALL BY MYSELF. I am where I am, and I know so very clearly, because of Divine Intervention. I've mentioned this before, grace upon grace in my life... sometimes I think I don't deserve such miracles and repeated opportunities.

It could be the late nights. It could be me burning out in the kinetically unfavourable way. It could be me not wanting to win badly enough. It could be me not wanting badly enough to make this year mine. I don't know. I've turned more physical these days- choosing to exert energy through exercise or violence- so I can pretend that I don't actually have a bloddy trainwreck of thoughts upon thoughts in my head. Yea, I'm in Denial, with a capital D and it is really bad. My brain's already dying from the contradictions and dilemmas. I want to settle a good number of things ASAP but then, in reality, ASAP never happens.